hanging on for love
Recently, I read an Instagram post that said, “loving a person with disorganized attachment requires patience”. I was struck by the truth in this statement, but also by what was missing. Let me explain more about attachment, the different attachment strategies, and a little bit of how the strategies can show up in adult relationships, then I’ll offer my thoughts on the other part.
In childhood, attachment refers to the connection between caregivers and baby. The baby has needs like food, warmth, shelter, safety, and care; ideally, the caregivers provide for the needs. When it goes well, the child experiences a “safe haven” from which to launch exploration and to which to return. Toddlers will run to a caregiver who is safe for a hug, then run off to explore new things, knowing that their “person” will be there when needed for another hug.
When a child does not get the “safe haven” experience with caregivers (or at least with someone), mistrust and uncertainty can develop. This child can have a much harder time with exploration. Possibly by not exploring at all and ignoring or pushing down the desire or need for the exploration which can become scary. Children can also become clingy because the anxiety around people leaving is so overwhelming that it can become intolerable to even think about someone leaving them, because that is what has been the most common experience for them. Another possibility for how an emotionally unsafe childhood environment can show up is the belief that “I don’t need anyone” develops. Other people need people, all I have is me. I will be “fine”. And other children, will have some version of many strategies which can be confusing to both them and others. The fear of being close and the fear of being separate can be overwhelming. This last strategy is called Disorganized or Fearful Avoidant. It is the strategy that creates many challenges when a loved one is trying to navigate, and it requires so much patience as well as a strong sense of your own security.
Attachment was originally believed to only refer to the bond between mother and child. That bond was later learned to be with the other parent and family members. We now know that these initial relationships shape how we connect with others throughout the lifespan. So when the child who didn’t have the “safe haven” experience grows up; the adult likely will difficulty finding and trusting that in romantic relationships as well as friendships. Mistrust of people can be the only consistent emotion felt with other people. Avoiding connection can become a defense mechanism because if we don’t get close, you can’t hurt me. People generally are experienced as unsafe. The people who were tasked to love and care for them through typical biological channels (between mother/father and child) didn’t seem to do it; why would there be the expectation that some person they just met will meet their needs? Makes so much sense, right?!?
An important incongruity to the belief that a person doesn’t need the “safe haven” like when a person forces it down to numb it or the person is ‘good’ all by him/herself is that as humans, we were created to be in connection with others. We are literally born looking to others to take care of us. Then how the care looks and feels determines what we expect later from other folks. It’s all tied together. Much of the turmoil when people who have little experience with a “safe haven” try to have relationships comes from a lack of positive experience with loving others. The positivity feels good and that can be uncomfortable which can elicit the instinct to sabotage or end the relationship, sometimes without warning. This is where the patience must be very present for the relationship partner.
The part that feels missing in the earlier mentioned IG post is the relationship partner must also be secure. This is super important! Without their own “safe haven,” the partner may engage in their own fears about others which can lead to high conflict relationships or avoidance which can lead to the end of the relationship. These days the trendy term for chaotic relationships has been ‘trauma bonding.’ Two people with significant unresolved trauma trying to create safety when no one really knows what that is. Of course, I don’t suggest that relationships between two people with trauma can not work. They do when there is effort to work towards connection versus prove that you won’t hurt me. The proof, in many cases, can never be felt enough resulting in feeling even less connected, less comforted, and less loved. It then become a self-fulfilling prophesy: see, I told you, you wouldn’t be there for me. The partner gets labeled as not giving the person emotional safety, when what happened is the openness and vulnerability necessary to get what was wanted, was never offered.
I suppose the point of this article is to both validate the person who clearly is navigating turbulent waters and the person who loves them. It’s all hard. Everyone is just trying to hang on.